Your post have been very thought provoking. You are clearly smart, passionate, and insightful.
I don’t agree with you, but I understand where you are coming from. I understand the loneliness, the desire for connection, and the rage.
I thought of you this week when a straight, white, cis man showed up to the first meeting of an LGBTQ writing group in my conservative town. He took up a lot of time and space. Correction: he took up the most time and space. He hasn’t even started writing yet, but wants to check that his spicy scenes between his fairy characters are “correct.” He actually used the words “reading porn aloud to strangers.” Yeah, you and I know he wants to read aloud his lesbian fairy porn to women. And in the name of inclusivity, we are going to sit there and let him.
Boundaries are needed to protect LGBTQ spaces. But I don’t agree that lesbians need to exclude trans, bi, and pan people. We may not share everything in common but we share the experience of having to come out, defend our own identities, and experience hate from the larger culture.
If my wife and I showed up to an event, we would look like a classic butch/femme pair (and truthfully I love all butch/femme culture both contemporary and vintage). But we were both married to men before getting divorced and coming out. She grew up Mormon and I grew up conservative Christian. I remember the moment when we were dating when we both admitted we had “something we needed to talk about” and confessed our past marriages. Talk about loneliness and struggling for connection, we both felt less than or tarnished in lesbian spaces because we were late in life.
My brother came out before me so the first people to welcome me into the queer community were gay men and beautiful queens. We used to preform together—male and female impersonators. Queer culture has always been a variety of experiences and identities informing and supporting each other. And yes, fighting and debating and gossiping about each other like families do.
Plus, those of us who don’t live in major cities need all the queer meetups and companionship we can get. The friendships I’ve had with bi, pan, trans, and non-binary people have only made my life richer and my mind freer.
And yes, I agree with you that we need more butch/femme everything, which is why I started writing sapphic romance. And yes, I’ve often thought it would be amazing to have lived in the time of lesbian tea rooms and literary salons or nightclubs with butch drag shows.
This is long, sorry. But I’ve noticed how many of the women you quote talk about immediately being dismissed for TERF views. So, I respectfully disagree but I won’t dismiss you or block you or stop reading what you have to write. You might not consider me to be part of your community, but I consider you to be part of mine. And as I move ever closer to the role of queer elder, I’m hearing you and hoping we can keep a dialogue open. We can learn from and challenge each other. I’m confident we can both exist in this space like our own digital lesbian tearoom.
Feel free to make a brew and talk writing and lesbian identity anytime. 🫖☕️
Your post have been very thought provoking. You are clearly smart, passionate, and insightful.
I don’t agree with you, but I understand where you are coming from. I understand the loneliness, the desire for connection, and the rage.
I thought of you this week when a straight, white, cis man showed up to the first meeting of an LGBTQ writing group in my conservative town. He took up a lot of time and space. Correction: he took up the most time and space. He hasn’t even started writing yet, but wants to check that his spicy scenes between his fairy characters are “correct.” He actually used the words “reading porn aloud to strangers.” Yeah, you and I know he wants to read aloud his lesbian fairy porn to women. And in the name of inclusivity, we are going to sit there and let him.
Boundaries are needed to protect LGBTQ spaces. But I don’t agree that lesbians need to exclude trans, bi, and pan people. We may not share everything in common but we share the experience of having to come out, defend our own identities, and experience hate from the larger culture.
If my wife and I showed up to an event, we would look like a classic butch/femme pair (and truthfully I love all butch/femme culture both contemporary and vintage). But we were both married to men before getting divorced and coming out. She grew up Mormon and I grew up conservative Christian. I remember the moment when we were dating when we both admitted we had “something we needed to talk about” and confessed our past marriages. Talk about loneliness and struggling for connection, we both felt less than or tarnished in lesbian spaces because we were late in life.
My brother came out before me so the first people to welcome me into the queer community were gay men and beautiful queens. We used to preform together—male and female impersonators. Queer culture has always been a variety of experiences and identities informing and supporting each other. And yes, fighting and debating and gossiping about each other like families do.
Plus, those of us who don’t live in major cities need all the queer meetups and companionship we can get. The friendships I’ve had with bi, pan, trans, and non-binary people have only made my life richer and my mind freer.
And yes, I agree with you that we need more butch/femme everything, which is why I started writing sapphic romance. And yes, I’ve often thought it would be amazing to have lived in the time of lesbian tea rooms and literary salons or nightclubs with butch drag shows.
This is long, sorry. But I’ve noticed how many of the women you quote talk about immediately being dismissed for TERF views. So, I respectfully disagree but I won’t dismiss you or block you or stop reading what you have to write. You might not consider me to be part of your community, but I consider you to be part of mine. And as I move ever closer to the role of queer elder, I’m hearing you and hoping we can keep a dialogue open. We can learn from and challenge each other. I’m confident we can both exist in this space like our own digital lesbian tearoom.
Feel free to make a brew and talk writing and lesbian identity anytime. 🫖☕️
Understand completely. All love ❤️ Sister!
👍👍👍
Just know, you are not alone.
I deeply believe that too—thank you for your comment.
So so relatable. Thank you so very much!
Thank you so much for your comment.