Connection: Striking The Right Balance

The value of "listening" along the path toward attunement & purpose.

Dear lesbian reader,


If this article sounds different than my usual stuff, it is because I am going through a period of profound reflection.

But don’t get spooked: I am not here to tell you that I have capitulated and now believe in Trans and Queer—I am still your trusted TERF¹, thank you very much.

Let’s Talk About The Impact Of The Internet.

A few months after starting The Critical Butch, I began realizing that I was feeding off negativity—feelings of criticism, loneliness, anger and injustice rose within me. I found it impacting my daily life—reducing my attention span, prompting me to obsess over “the next topic”, or the next point to prove. It was taking time away from my work, relationships and creative projects.

It was hard to understand why: I have been getting so many positive and encouraging messages, which I am immensely grateful for. I could tell that people were truly appreciative that I was saying the things that, too often, make lesbians bite off their tongues.

I absolutely believe I did the right thing. Perhaps, what happened is that I had not fully processed pent-up feelings.

I had grown tired and angered at the constant silencing of lesbians; the disregard and contempt with which we were treated by the pseudo “community” we have been lumped with.

I wanted to say something for so long, but I often found my rage too great to articulate my arguments.

At some point, I had even convinced myself that there was no point in speaking out because “people wouldn’t listen”. But was I listening?

I’m not someone who accepts being silenced nor disregarded, so I put my skepticism aside and started to write here and it was liberating… at first.

Admittedly, I do not have a healthy relationship with the internet: it’s far easier to cut it off my life altogether than just reduce its usage. In fact, about a year ago—and several months before I started this—I quit all social media platforms and it has enormously improved my quality of life. It helped me regain so much time and connection—both with myself and those around me.

That’s not something I want to discard, and I don’t want Substack to become yet another social media platform that I have a troubled relationship with either.

I feel ambivalent: how to ignore a tool that has such potential to bring people together, provided we can get past the screen and differences that divide us?

As I write this, I have to fight off my own instinct to discard these words, tuck them away into a drawer and tell myself “There is no point in writing this, it’s a waste of time.”

I found myself rolling back, and thinking about the beginning.

Why Did I Start This Newsletter In The First Place?

It was not to prove a point; it was not to angrily spit out words; it was not to overwhelm myself.

There was a need, deep within me, to provide another voice to the discourse—the lesbian, feminist & gender critical one. I had researched, gathered my thoughts, and gained absolute clarity for months and years and I believed—I still do—that I had valuable things to say. I figured I could write pretty well, and maybe my words could reach other like-minded lesbians.

At the core, there was a fundamental desire to connect—the fundamental human need to reach out, to build, to create… but I believe this should never come at the cost of disconnecting with the self.

Found this pearl in some personal writings and I wanted to share it. It’s relevant to the disconnection that the internet and gender ideology promote between mind-emotional sphere-body—elements which can never be detached from one another.

I can say with certainty that writing publicly hasn’t solved my loneliness, and at this point, I am not sure anything can—If there is such a thing as “born this way” I was born feeling lonely.

I am stubborn, even with myself. I cannot admit defeat, and when I do, it’s not pretty. However, it is with absolute calm and not defeatism that I say this: I don’t know how to strike the right balance yet.

I still want to write. I still want to reach out. I still want to spark conversations—I just don’t want it to be out of anger, stubbornness, or ego-driven desire to “prove a point”.

I want to inform, delight, shine light on topics that are perhaps not yet popular; I want to respond out of connection and peace, not frustration and prejudice—like it is so easy to react through the internet.

I want to create a space for connection for lesbians who are tired of it all and who admit they are tired of it all: no bullshit. I want to connect with authentic Butch&Femme lesbians who don’t buy into Trans and Queer ideology & bring women like us back at the center of the conversation, because, outside the bubble of the internet, there are so many of us.

There are lesbians who are doing important work, bringing awareness to the topics I care about, and I want to keep on listening and engaging with them.

Sometimes, Saying Less Is… More.

For the past two years, I have been working on a series of exciting, adventurous novels who are focused on entirely lesbian sets of characters—I hope to tell you more about this project in the future.

Through this creative journey and through deep reflection about life, values and principles I hold, I have learned to appreciate quietude.

In such a busy world, silence has become precious and rare—I do not say this lightly, because I like to talk. Words are my life! But in order for the right words to come along, I have realized, silence has to lead.

At the moment, I want to practice saying less & listening more, because it is through truly listening to myself and the world around me that I have felt most attuned and fulfilled.

I am going through important personal changes—including switching careers and considering relocating—which require all my focus, energy and attention. It’s safe to admit I don’t know what the hell I am doing. Does anybody ever really know what they are doing?

Only time will tell what will be the destiny of this publication: will it go on or will it vanish? Will it take another form or will something greater come out of it?

I don’t have the answers, but I am listening out for them. And while I work on figuring it out, I do know that The Critical Butch is not over yet, she’s just… resting & observing.

Thank you infinitely subscribers & readers for your continuous support.

⚢ As always, your loyal, mean, exclusionary lesbian… ⚢

- The Critical Butch

1. I understand many gender-critical women have lost friends and careers because of TERF accusations. However, when I use the word ‘TERF’, I do so affectionately and with solidarity.