Honoring Femme
In defense of the misunderstood lesbian.
Dear lesbian reader,
A few years ago, whilst looking for lesbian events in my local area, I came across a party that was advertised for “women and femmes”.
Befuddled, I shut my browser, sighed, and ruminated on it for days. What did that mean? What is “women and femmes”? Would the opposite of that be “men and butches”? Does that mean that someone like me is not welcome at the event? But… I am a woman, and so is my femme.
If you’ve spent any amount of time in a queer, LGBT+ or “sapphic” space, you’ve perhaps observed the word “femme” being thrown around. “Queer femme”, “Bisexual femme”, “Trans femme”… It took me a while to understand that by using this word, these people didn’t mean the same thing as I did, but rather “anyone with a general feminine appearance”, whether lesbian or not, female or male, interchangeably.
I have quietly observed the word used to describe the woman I love being misused, misrepresented, and appropriated by those who don’t understand her, who aren’t her and who don’t love her.
As lesbians ourselves, we have been often unable to fully articulate what a Femme is and who can be Femme, far more than Butch. Perhaps it is because the latter is more outwardly visible, but it certainly isn’t because the former isn’t its own distinct entity.
“Femme” has been a slang word in the mouths of many, with endless meanings. Namely: a gender identity, a queer or trans identity, or a performance of femininity.
The real Femme has been accused of wanting to recreate hetero-patriarchy with her butch lover; she has been labeled passive and gender-conforming; she has been made akin to the male-attracted woman or labeled an improper lesbian, “straight-passing” and not androgynous enough to be lesbian.
Admittedly, it’s easier to recognize a lesbian by her outward appearance of non-conformity to feminine ideals of beauty.
Gender-non-conformity has long been associated with homosexuality, but that “non-conformity” bit is not quite been understood, not in its entirety.
We talk a lot about gender these days, yet, when we have discussions about conformity or non-conformity, everything is watered down to aesthetics: what one wears, how their hair are cut, their mannerisms.
The way I understand what is referred to as “gender” are the expectations placed upon a sexed body, of which outward presentation is just a portion of.
When we look at the context of femininity, for instance, and how it’s enforced upon women and girls to maintain a status of submissiveness related to male masculinity, gender conformity cannot be simply defined as wearing long hair, makeup, and knowing how to cook or bake; it also must comprise the attraction and sexual availability to members of the opposite sex.
To reduce female homosexuality to one’s appearance would be therefore a shallow interpretation of it — the very quality of being an exclusively same-sex-attracted female, and therefore, innately gender-non conforming.
Although lesbian identity as a whole has been eviscerated by the ill-mannered attempt at redefining it in order to fit within the modern queer dogma, within lesbian history lies a rich significance behind the term Femme — parallel and adjacent to that of Butch — across different cultures and societies.
Simply defining Femmes as feminine or gender conforming lesbians would be therefore not only extremely reductive, but also incorrect.
Additionally, Femme is not a gender identity or an “aesthetic” any woman can adopt and drop whenever. Although we might agree that, like Butch, there is a certain look that can be associated with being Femme, it is often simply a reflection of her natural preferences and style, and not in any possible way a “performance” for the male gaze.
Allow me to now articulate how I have always understood Femme — even before I knew there was a word for her — and what she means to me.
The Femme I know is anything but stereotypically feminine.
The Femme I know only occasionally wears makeup and dresses; rarely or never heels; she enjoys a comfortable attire, and often was a tomboy as a girl.
The Femme I know is anything but passive — she is rebellious, and historically was the protector and matriarch, often the breadwinner. She makes the first move to put the anxious butch at ease, whom too often has been told her sexuality is predatory.
"Femme” is courage and daring to do step out of the bounds of what a woman is allowed to be; to show up as herself, claiming her sensual power as her own, embodying her natural femininity.
Femme is a specific sub-culture, a distinct category of lesbian, with a meaning rooted in being a female who is exclusively attracted to other females — the “more masculine” females, the very women society deems the most unlovable.
Femme is about being unapologetically Femme and following her nature— despite of what box society tries to shut her in, and regardless of what script she is required to follow based on the appearance of her sexed body.
No, the Femme I am talking about is quite distinguishable — at least to me — from feminine male-attracted women.
Femme isn’t “straight passing” and Femme most certainly isn’t sexually fluid. A Femme’s experience will never be the same as a heterosexual or bisexual feminine woman, by the nature of being homosexual.
Most people would not question that Butch is lesbian. We have allowed the conflation of Femme with femininity to open up the door for anyone to claim they are “femme”, but it is impossible for non-lesbians to “reclaim” Femme, for there is no reclaiming something that never belonged to you in the first place.
This confusion has meant that many women like me are no longer able to find and connect with women like my fiancée.
In my quest to find like-minded lesbians who sustained the same understanding on this subject as myself, I embarked upon a rabbit hole of research and came across a collection of some wonderful short essays titled “On the Appropriation of Femme” from Femmes describing what that word means to them and why it’s a distinctly lesbian experience.
It’s tough to speak of Femme without mentioning Butch and vice versa, for our histories and lives are so intrinsically intertwined.
For a long time, Femmes have been uplifting Butch voices, emphasizing our importance within the lesbian community. They have supported us through our experiences — whether that is navigating and healing from “gender dysphoria”1, or coping with the abuse and aggression we face in our daily lives — whilst going through their own experiences of misogyny, homophobia and coming to terms with their unique version of womanhood and homosexuality.
The real Femme has been swept under a rock, her essence crushed under the weight of a world that won’t recognize and respect her for who she is. She’s been sidelined at the margins of the already disappearing lesbian community.
It’s time for Butches to give back Femmes the merit and space they deserve, and for us to utilize our inescapable visibility to uplift the voices and experiences of our Femme lovers, comrades and sisters.
Femme deserves respect and recognition. Femme, to me, is the essence of lesbian, as is my being Butch. Femme is where I, as a butch, find love, safety, comfort, courage and kinship — so don’t forget its meaning when this word escapes your lips next.
- The Critical Butch
22.4.25
I have updated the original text with bold and italic characters, and broke it into smaller paragraphs to make it easier to digest. Additionally, I have added a definition of “gender dysphoria” below.
When I mention “gender dysphoria” I refer to the state of incongruence one feels with their sexed body. I do not refer to an automatic status of “transness”. I do not refer to a real tangible condition that one is born with. “Gender dysphoria” is a phantom created when society consistently reinforces the idea in women, especially lesbian and especially butch, that our behaviors, looks and way of being are inherently incompatible with femaleness. It isn’t an inevitable faith or a path to being trans. It is a form of body dysmorphia and a temporary feeling that one grows out of. Read more about my definitions here.
A femme that loves a butch is a special kind of person. They love and affirm the parts of us that we have trouble accepting for ourselves. A femme who loves having a butch by her side is the most secure kind of lesbian. When a femme is with a butch, there is no denying they are lesbian and the world recognizes them and is very intimidated by them because they are unafraid of the stigma of being a lesbian. Sorry for that run-on sentence.
The first time I ran across femme being used to describe dress or identity was from a lesbian wood carver. She had carved some gnomes and was calling the female looking ones femme. I commented that it was cool to see butch femme representation. lol fast forward several back and forths and I was called a terf and blocked.