A femme that loves a butch is a special kind of person. They love and affirm the parts of us that we have trouble accepting for ourselves. A femme who loves having a butch by her side is the most secure kind of lesbian. When a femme is with a butch, there is no denying they are lesbian and the world recognizes them and is very intimidated by them because they are unafraid of the stigma of being a lesbian. Sorry for that run-on sentence.
Sometimes it takes a femme to teach a butch she can love the scariest parts of herself; the parts she had been taught to hate. But at the end of the day, said butch must learn to love herself and not depend on the love of another for validation. And this goes for any romantic relationship. Anecdotally I've found the femmes in a femme/butch relationship to be very secure in their sexuality and proud to be recognized as a lesbian when they are with their butch.
Lesbians have been having these butch/femme debates for centuries (if by any other name).
Femme women in my life are essential! And not just as romantic partners. A good number of my dearest friends are femmes. And it is absolutely a gender non-conforming & specifically homosexual identity.
Femme is not an aesthetic. But I have never had a hard time clocking them. To me it's easy to see the difference between a femme & a straight woman.
I’ve never felt comfortable with the use of the term butch in the lesbian community & actually glad the term “gender non-conforming” has permeated the dialog, perhaps as a replacement? I’ve never been able to conform to femininity (heels, makeup, etc.) Perhaps initially (as an adolescent) because I grew very tall (5”11 at 14 y/o) and big and girl/girly clothes were a problem (none fit). Was introduced to the concept of butch/femme in my first forays into the gay bar scene in the ‘80’s. A self-identified old school butch got on my case for ‘flirting’ with her (I wasn’t?) saying she was butch & she was only interested in femmes. Look at Leslie Feinberg’s Stone Butch Blues (downloadable free). She describes being taken under the wing of people in the bar who helped her develop her butch style, up to & including BVD men’s underwear. Her story of the violence directed at her & others in the bar scene is horrific.
It’s hard for me to articulate why butch bothers me. Don’t mind dyke or non-conforming but butch or masculine - just no. Feels like being mistaken for a man (which happens to me occasionally and I find embarrassing). My two cents!
I see where you’re coming from. "Butch" carries a lot of negative connotations, which god knows I had to work through before being able to utilize this word in my vocabulary.
Personally, I find "gender-non-conforming" vague, though I would describe myself as such. But I would also say femmes are gender-non-conforming, just in a different way. "Lesbian" to me already implies gender-non-conformity.
A common misconception is that every lesbian fits into butch or femme, and that's not the case.
On Stone Butch Blues: I hated reading it. That book caused irreversible damages to butch lesbians.
Well, thanks for your reply. Makes it easy to see it’s OK if someone (else!) identifies, likes to use the term butch (of course, no one needs my approval). Feinberg is heavy, for sure but not going to say her stuff is harmful. Lots of LGBT history is cringe. Radclyffe Hall’s 1928 Well of Loneliness is rather cringe (along with Freud) IMHO but says something about where we come from, in a social history kind of way. 💕
The first time I ran across femme being used to describe dress or identity was from a lesbian wood carver. She had carved some gnomes and was calling the female looking ones femme. I commented that it was cool to see butch femme representation. lol fast forward several back and forths and I was called a terf and blocked.
Your essay gave me pause to savor "the femme" and remember fondly those who have been in my life. I cherish the femme in them as much as I adore the butch in me. Thank you for the posting. It's troubling enough that the word lesbian is getting a bad rap within the LGBTQ+ community, particularly the younger gals who like "queer" instead. Don't want femme getting lost in the fray.
From a femme reclaiming this word for herself, post the confusion of transitioning, having been made her fearful of embodiment for many reasons—what a beautiful love letter and homage, friend. Thank you for this post! I’ve been looking forward to reading it for days.
Homage — what a great way to put it! Thank you for your comment, I am very glad to hear that you enjoyed this essay and that you are navigating your way back to reclaiming this word for yourself.
Are you here to engage in a thoughtful conversation about lesbian culture — which, from what I understand, you’re not familiar with — or are you here to be openly hostile to lesbians on a random internet blog? Because the assumptions you’re expressing don’t sound very different than many homophobic and misogynistic insults and accusations I have heard in my life targeted toward lesbians.
Please leave us alone and let us have our culture. This is the last time I will try to explain this concept. Don't be hard on yourself if you don't understand. It's for lesbians.
Some homosexual women like to wear button-up shirts and boots and ball caps. Often they work in jobs dominated by men. Often they have short haircuts. They aren't men, they're women. Lesbians categorize them as "butches". It's not a derogatory term. It's a term of pride.
Some homosexual women are often mistaken for heterosexuals. Their coworkers see their wedding band and ask what their husband does for a living. They constantly have to correct others by saying, "my wife" or "actually I date women. Yes, I know I don't look like a lesbian. I hear that all the time." Lesbians categorize them as "femmes". It doesn't necessarily mean they are overtly feminine.
Often a butch and a femme will be romantically attracted to one another; her yin to her yang, if you will. Femmes appreciate their butch partner because she can finally be recognized for who she is. And a butch will appreciate the femme because she represents what the butch was pushed to look like but never felt comfortable in.
Again, these aren't representative of 100% of lesbians. But in the current cultural climate, lesbian couples are being pushed to look aesthetically pleasing to men who frequent adult websites or heterosexual people who become uncomfortable seeing overtly homosexual people in public. And those homosexual women who like button-ups and short haircuts are pushed to medically transition because they aren't "representative enough of women".
I'm finished explaining this. You can have the last word.
A femme that loves a butch is a special kind of person. They love and affirm the parts of us that we have trouble accepting for ourselves. A femme who loves having a butch by her side is the most secure kind of lesbian. When a femme is with a butch, there is no denying they are lesbian and the world recognizes them and is very intimidated by them because they are unafraid of the stigma of being a lesbian. Sorry for that run-on sentence.
Wonderfully said.
Also, not once did I use they words "lovely, delicate, emotional or support."
Sometimes it takes a femme to teach a butch she can love the scariest parts of herself; the parts she had been taught to hate. But at the end of the day, said butch must learn to love herself and not depend on the love of another for validation. And this goes for any romantic relationship. Anecdotally I've found the femmes in a femme/butch relationship to be very secure in their sexuality and proud to be recognized as a lesbian when they are with their butch.
Lesbians have been having these butch/femme debates for centuries (if by any other name).
Butch and femme aren't really genders. They are signals to be attractive to the same sex; like carabineers and Subarus.
Femme women in my life are essential! And not just as romantic partners. A good number of my dearest friends are femmes. And it is absolutely a gender non-conforming & specifically homosexual identity.
Femme is not an aesthetic. But I have never had a hard time clocking them. To me it's easy to see the difference between a femme & a straight woman.
All my love & admiration forever.
Quite something unique, aren't they?
Glad to see more REAL Femme appreciation. 💪🏻
I’ve never felt comfortable with the use of the term butch in the lesbian community & actually glad the term “gender non-conforming” has permeated the dialog, perhaps as a replacement? I’ve never been able to conform to femininity (heels, makeup, etc.) Perhaps initially (as an adolescent) because I grew very tall (5”11 at 14 y/o) and big and girl/girly clothes were a problem (none fit). Was introduced to the concept of butch/femme in my first forays into the gay bar scene in the ‘80’s. A self-identified old school butch got on my case for ‘flirting’ with her (I wasn’t?) saying she was butch & she was only interested in femmes. Look at Leslie Feinberg’s Stone Butch Blues (downloadable free). She describes being taken under the wing of people in the bar who helped her develop her butch style, up to & including BVD men’s underwear. Her story of the violence directed at her & others in the bar scene is horrific.
It’s hard for me to articulate why butch bothers me. Don’t mind dyke or non-conforming but butch or masculine - just no. Feels like being mistaken for a man (which happens to me occasionally and I find embarrassing). My two cents!
I see where you’re coming from. "Butch" carries a lot of negative connotations, which god knows I had to work through before being able to utilize this word in my vocabulary.
Personally, I find "gender-non-conforming" vague, though I would describe myself as such. But I would also say femmes are gender-non-conforming, just in a different way. "Lesbian" to me already implies gender-non-conformity.
A common misconception is that every lesbian fits into butch or femme, and that's not the case.
On Stone Butch Blues: I hated reading it. That book caused irreversible damages to butch lesbians.
Well, thanks for your reply. Makes it easy to see it’s OK if someone (else!) identifies, likes to use the term butch (of course, no one needs my approval). Feinberg is heavy, for sure but not going to say her stuff is harmful. Lots of LGBT history is cringe. Radclyffe Hall’s 1928 Well of Loneliness is rather cringe (along with Freud) IMHO but says something about where we come from, in a social history kind of way. 💕
As a femme I cried reading this!! I hope I meet my butch princess one day! Thanks for this heartfelt and thoughtful article!
Thank you for the lovely comment, very glad you enjoyed it.
Well said! I agree 100%. My wife is a femme and is everything you mentioned. She is glorious, a goddess.
The first time I ran across femme being used to describe dress or identity was from a lesbian wood carver. She had carved some gnomes and was calling the female looking ones femme. I commented that it was cool to see butch femme representation. lol fast forward several back and forths and I was called a terf and blocked.
Your essay gave me pause to savor "the femme" and remember fondly those who have been in my life. I cherish the femme in them as much as I adore the butch in me. Thank you for the posting. It's troubling enough that the word lesbian is getting a bad rap within the LGBTQ+ community, particularly the younger gals who like "queer" instead. Don't want femme getting lost in the fray.
I completely agree, Femmes, as well as the word "lesbian", need to be rightfully honored. Thank you for your kind comment, Kay.
EXCELLENT article. Clear, complete, heartfelt. Thank you.
Thank you for your lovely comment, Amanda.
From a femme reclaiming this word for herself, post the confusion of transitioning, having been made her fearful of embodiment for many reasons—what a beautiful love letter and homage, friend. Thank you for this post! I’ve been looking forward to reading it for days.
Homage — what a great way to put it! Thank you for your comment, I am very glad to hear that you enjoyed this essay and that you are navigating your way back to reclaiming this word for yourself.
Are you here to engage in a thoughtful conversation about lesbian culture — which, from what I understand, you’re not familiar with — or are you here to be openly hostile to lesbians on a random internet blog? Because the assumptions you’re expressing don’t sound very different than many homophobic and misogynistic insults and accusations I have heard in my life targeted toward lesbians.
Her argument is very, "so which one of you is the man and which one of you is the woman in the relationship?"
Not all lesbians are butch and femme.
Please leave us alone and let us have our culture. This is the last time I will try to explain this concept. Don't be hard on yourself if you don't understand. It's for lesbians.
Some homosexual women like to wear button-up shirts and boots and ball caps. Often they work in jobs dominated by men. Often they have short haircuts. They aren't men, they're women. Lesbians categorize them as "butches". It's not a derogatory term. It's a term of pride.
Some homosexual women are often mistaken for heterosexuals. Their coworkers see their wedding band and ask what their husband does for a living. They constantly have to correct others by saying, "my wife" or "actually I date women. Yes, I know I don't look like a lesbian. I hear that all the time." Lesbians categorize them as "femmes". It doesn't necessarily mean they are overtly feminine.
Often a butch and a femme will be romantically attracted to one another; her yin to her yang, if you will. Femmes appreciate their butch partner because she can finally be recognized for who she is. And a butch will appreciate the femme because she represents what the butch was pushed to look like but never felt comfortable in.
Again, these aren't representative of 100% of lesbians. But in the current cultural climate, lesbian couples are being pushed to look aesthetically pleasing to men who frequent adult websites or heterosexual people who become uncomfortable seeing overtly homosexual people in public. And those homosexual women who like button-ups and short haircuts are pushed to medically transition because they aren't "representative enough of women".
I'm finished explaining this. You can have the last word.