Pt.2 | Lesbian-only Spaces: The Harsh Truth
The importance of differentiation, connection and community.
Dear lesbian reader,
Have you caught up on Part 1 yet? Make sure to do so before reading through this next section!1
⚢ NO MORE COMPROMISES ⚢
Out of curiosity, I asked my subscribers whether we, as lesbians, should or would be wiling to make any compromises in our spaces and communities.
“We should be welcoming to lesbians of all backgrounds and political persuasions, including lesbians who identify as “trans men” or “non-binary” (how else will our sisters have the chance to see that there is nothing wrong with them and with being lesbian?),” one responder points out. “But the space should be closed to men, even allies.”
Others were dubious in their answers.
One common point was the difficulty in imagining a lesbian-only space which would be able to thrive.
‘Initially, I thought ‘well, depending on the space or event, maybe our straight female or gay male best friends can tag along sometimes…’, but then I realized that is probably (unfortunately) part of the reason we got to this dire place we now find ourselves, as lesbians, in.”
Less than a handful responders said they’d be willing to “tolerate” bisexual women in lesbian spaces — as long as they don’t make it all about themselves or men, they specified — and, out of all, only one responder was “happy to include them.”
Hey, I’m happy if women de-center men from their lives — good luck and good for them!
But that isn’t the same thing as being a lesbian.
It’s very important to find solidarity with other women — especially in order to fight gender ideology and how it affect us as a female class.
However, including male-attracted women actively defies the purpose of a “lesbian-only” space — which is the conversation I am trying to have here.
When the reality test hits, we’ve run that experiment and it hasn’t worked out well for lesbians.
To the point that we’re unable to define what a lesbian is anymore…
“We need a space for biological women only, and women who are exclusively attracted to other women. Not a place for identitarians, as this simply legitimizes the entire queer cult and trans ideology which queer theory feeds into.”
Besides, all public “lesbian” spaces under the sun — past & present — are already inclusive of opposite-sex-attracted women. Do we really need more?
“My ideal space would have a strict no males policy — I don’t care what they identify as — and it would be lesbian-only,” says one subscriber, “Every time I have been in a space with bisexual women, they always ended up taking over and sharing their experiences with men. They need to create their own space and not be in lesbian-only spaces.’
A women-only space or a feminist space and a lesbian-only space may intersect, but they aren’t the same thing.
It’s okay to admit we have differences.
“I want a space that’s just for lesbians. No men. No male attracted women bringing men around. None of this gender identity junk. Just lesbians.”
Picture from Get The L Out UK2
We necessarily need spaces & organizations whose sole focus is to address and shine spotlight on exclusively-same-sex-attracted females as a clear, distinct class of people.
It isn’t about excluding others — it’s about prioritizing ourselves.
When different groups without material common interests are lumped together, it creates a power-struggle and a fight for resources which always results in the further detriment of lesbian’s social position3.
We’ve observed that with the never-ending alphabet expansion from the Lesbian & Gay movement to LGBTQIA+p2sV+j…
…this is getting longer than my wifi password.
“Lesbian spaces need to be exclusively for lesbians. History and recent events have shown that the second we allow our spaces to be inclusive to other groups we end up getting kicked out.”
It is precisely because we are such a small minority that we must not give in to wider groups when trying to retain specificity — as their voices inevitably become louder, ours get swallowed.
No other minority is required to expand their terminology and welcome outsiders within their ranks; to validate and affirm everybody, nor let them speak for or over them.
Why do lesbians have to carry that burden? And why do others constantly insist we do?
There is nothing more threatening to the social order than the female homosexual — we are not only members of the “wrong sex”, but also exclusively attracted to others of said wrong sex.
“No compromises. Women born women attracted to other women born women, ONLY.”
It would be refreshing to have, do, see something authentically lesbian.
It is a craving & vital necessity we’ve been lacking so long, that, I, personally, am not willing to compromise.
If anything, we should rethink how our spaces look like; but the only inclusivity we need this time ‘round is lesbians of all ages, colors, backgrounds & cultures.
Everything outside this realm, we already have plenty of.
“I compromise in all spaces and conversations enough, so my ideal lesbian space would be exclusive and uncompromising.”
The overwhelming majority of responders (& lesbians I have personally interacted with) said they weren’t willing to compromise — not anymore — as “lesbian-only” should be a simple enough requirement.
And amen, sisters.
⚢ THE KIND OF SPACES WE WANT ⚢
When I asked lesbians to describe their ideal spaces and communities, I received so many insightful responses.
There is a real need for lesbians to differentiate ourselves, organize independently and operate with integrity.
“I'd take any space for lesbians only, even just a smaller/private one, like a lesbian group of friends or a running club.”
For many, consciousness-raising and political action are critical at this stage in time.
“We need a place where all lesbians can have diverging opinions without being antagonized; have feminist discourse without fear for their lives.”
“I want a space with free-flowing ideas, where disagreements feel like an exciting challenge, where we are safe to help one another dive into why we feel and think what we do.”
“My ideal lesbian space would comprise both opportunities for consciousness-raising AND fun and connection.”
And another key point responders mentioned was the need for inter-generational networking, where young and old lesbians can meet without prejudice and scorn.
“We need a multi-generational community, allowing younger lesbians to connect with older ones as mentors, and allowing us all the opportunity to work politically together and build friendships.”
The modern “queer” scene is youth-dominated, infantile, manipulative and centered around the denial of reality.
Not to mention the endorsement of sexual libertarianism, liberal feminism and other bullshit practices such as polyamory and BDSM.
We get it, mate. Your sex life is boring as hell and you’re trying to be interesting.
Time to grow up, don’t you think?
Sadly, many young lesbians, due to a range of reasons, feel pressured to conform and easily fall prey to queer/gender ideology.
One lesbian wishes for the return of bars, “All of my formative experiences were in bars. The promotion of lesbian couples and normalcy of life instead of queer tantrums would help too.”
Younger lesbians necessarily need opportunities to connect with older lesbians and see that it is possible to grow up to be a healthy, well-adjusted homosexual woman.
They need to know it’s okay not to fit in; that they can have a normal, loving relationship with another lesbian; that you can be butch, femme or neither and not deny any part of your femaleness nor homosexuality.
It could be useful to have opportunities for young lesbians — who may still be in the questioning stage of their sexualities — to connect with older women who’ve been out for a long time.
Everybody loves a good Q & A. So how about a lesbian office hour, huh?
“I'd love to see events that celebrate butches and which give visibility to femmes as well. Literally anything lesbian — I crave lesbian contacts and representation.”
A lot of us feel worn-out from this fight.
Constantly talking about gender & the erasure of lesbians can feel like shouting into an endless void.
Gods know I am tired of it…
There is a strong necessity to freely express ourselves in ways which include fun and leisure activities too.
'‘I’d like a lesbian social club; a space to get drinks, food, play games. Just a general meeting spot.”
“My ideal space would function like a library,” says one responder, “there could be different events and activities at the physical location, along with information on other lesbian-only events happening nearby that isn’t necessarily published to social media for the world to see.”
“It would be a community center with lots of rooms — library, meeting rooms, dance hall, a cafe. All sorts of classes, lectures, and lots of opportunities to talk and socialize.”
There is a real desire to connect with each other.
“We need something that’s undercover and in an intimate space, where lesbian women can be themselves, let their hair down and be surrounded by warmth and care.”
No matter how many rights we gain, lesbians will always be a minority. We will always need spaces to gather, relax and network — politically or not — with our own.
It is a matter of building resilience, solidarity; and allowing love and friendship to blossom.
But can we, realistically, make it happen?
⚢ LET’S BE REAL ⚢
It is important not to get lost into utopian dreams or idealizing the old days.
And even if we were all together, doesn’t mean we’d all get along.
In fact, you could argue that is the reason why we’re talking about this to begin with…
I know we wish lesbian spaces could be a certain way — but somewhere along the way, we got consumed by all the ways they aren’t.
Despite being a diverse group within ourselves, we do all share fundamental characteristics we need to protect and advocate for.
I am afraid the bars may be a dream of the distant past, and I want to look at the present & build a future for younger lesbians to look forward to.
Blame late-stage capitalism, if you will: public spaces which are profit-driven always have an incentive to include as many people as possible to maximize their income and, statistically speaking, there are few lesbians.
It is precisely because of this that we’ve been unable to have lesbian-only spaces thus far — except privately, in our homes and friendship circles.
It isn’t in our best interest to leave the space open either — it wouldn’t solve any of the problems we have. As highlighted in Part 1, we cannot rely on self-exclusion, nor self-definition.
But that isn’t the only barrier to enforcing a lesbian-only policy.
It would be impossible — not to mention ethically ambiguous — to discern at the door which women are homosexual and which are not.
As much as we like to think so, there’s no such thing as a “lesbian uniform”.
If anything, we should be more strategic — protective might be an even better word — and use a dash of creativity…
We could use a mixture of political advocacy and organizing (to ensure that the law represents our interests) and gatherings where fun is the focus.
Dunno about you, but I need a drink, a cigarette & some fun after writing all this…
SOME IDEAS:
Any lesbians got money to invest?
Picture this: a lesbian-owned organization which provides networking events on the side — like a private meeting club comprising of a small membership fee which would cover the cost of food & drinks.
It could also be invite-based; reducing anxiety about who’s allowed to come, and there would be more freedom in enforcing a lesbian-only policy.Link to a women’s collective
This could be one example of a compromise — provided they allow lesbians a side group with its own participation rules and autonomy to refuse non-lesbian women and men.What about the internet?
The world-wide-web. Our greatest resource. We can use it to set up chats, online bookclubs, Friday evening drinks…
I’ve been able to meet lesbian friends this way and, in fact, my fiancée too.
Let’s use it to find like-minded lesbians and arrange — when feasible — physical meet-ups.
That could lead to building local groups too, finding strength in numbers. Maybe even going to queerified “lesbian” bars together, show that we don’t relent…
Starting small & brainstorming together can be one way. What do you think?
⚢ FINAL WORDS ⚢
Listen… I don’t know the answer.
I’ve been thinking about this for months on end and I’ve come to one fundamental conclusion: there is no one-solution-fixes-all.
At the risk of sounding like a cliché — we need to focus on what is within our control.
In today’s world, making connections is difficult — genuine ones are even harder. Including connecting with ourselves.
I know how important this is to us, but lesbian isn’t where we begin and end.
…although sometimes it feels that way.
It may be worth stepping out of this topic — just for a while — engaging with other parts of your identity, personality, interests; gaining a fresh perspective.
Beware not to put all your eggs in one basket. And, don’t be too desperate to make things happen either.
Every social interaction requires a healthy amount of compromise.
But I promise you — if friendship is what you seek, you will find more genuine one amongst unaware straight people than walking within any queer bar where you’re required to pretend that reality doesn’t exist.
Any group, space, interaction which demands you compromise your beliefs and values in order to “fit in” , isn’t a place where you’ll find yourself at home.
This said, when you do seek to make genuine connections with lesbians, be honest about what you want out of it.
Define your terms and don’t waver.
When you name what you want, you’ll find someone who says “I’m so glad you said it out loud — I think that way too.”
I’ve experienced that through starting this publication.
S
It’s time to stop complaining we have nothing of our own, and do something to create it — even in our small.
I get it, we’ve been socialized this way: it can be uncomfortable to tell others no and ourselves yes, but when have we ever achieved anything by being quiet, compliant and not stepping out of our comfort zone?
Being “nice” and “inclusive”: what does that bring us?
From what I have seen, even when we do include everyone on earth in our spaces, we STILL get called “mean, biphobic, man-hating TERFs”.
And so what if we are all those things, ladies?
When you stand up for yourself as a lesbian, when you are telling the truth about sex and homosexuality, you must account for hostility and even childish name-calling.
Including, sometimes, from other lesbians!
Don’t let that stop you.
If you haven’t noticed thus far, I am not someone who cares to mince her words.
My upbringing taught me to fight for things; that you cannot settle and hope for the best; that you have to advocate for yourself.
Nobody else can or will do it for you but you.
Things don’t just happen or come your way — you must put effort, focusing on the principles and pillars you want to build upon. And own them.
This isn’t the time to be shy, or concerned with politeness for the sake of group cohesion.
Research, read, engage with other lesbians online, speak your mind as much as you can.
Find a couple lesbians you can invite on a zoom chat; maybe someone in your area wants to tag along for a hike, or a potluck. Open a publication. Start a podcast.
Or go and find a dyke at your local hardware store.
…at least, that’s where I am every other Sunday.
It doesn’t have to be something big. Lesbians know lesbians who know lesbians.
I know that most of you who are reading will agree — whether silently or openly: we need to get our shit together.
No one is coming to save us and magically create lesbian-exclusive spaces — that responsibility is entirely up to us.
To all the subscribers who took the time to answer my survey: thank you. I appreciate each and every one of your contributions.
To those reading this: I hope this 2-part-essay encourages you to reflect on the topic. I look forward to reading all your comments & insights.
⚢ From one big, mean, exclusionary lesbian to another. ⚢
— The Critical Butch
*The survey was crafted as a spur of personal curiosity and is not meant to be considered as a formal research, census or study in any way, shape or form.
*“Spaces” can mean both online and physical: events, bars, forums, groups, but also organizations and charities.
*The responses and results of the survey span within a sample of 30 of my subscribers.
*All subscribers which received the survey have been informed that some of their answers might’ve been anonymously included for the purpose of drawing conclusions and enriching the conversation.
*Open answers may have been edited and shortened due to syntactical/grammatical reasons, with the intention to keep the essence of the original message.
"The promotion of lesbian couples and normalcy of life instead of queer tantrums would help"
I like this quote
Definitely gonna use "queer tantrums" now
ALL OF THIS!!!! I have often pushed myself to attend the occasional event but too often it's inclusive of everybody and their mama. It's wearisome and such a turn off. Yet the alternative sucks.
The idea of a lesbian-only bookstore/cafe/meeting spot sounds delightful. Sometimes when I spot a lesbian in the wild, I am so tempted to say hi and just start talking and hope they don't get weirded out lol. Then again I remember she could be a handmaiden and I live in a small community where word of my terfery could get around and not only affect me but my kiddo. So I stay silent.
But gotta keep trying till something clicks I suppose.
Thank you for this well-written and researched dissertation on how we need to get our shit straight. And good luck to all your upcoming projects. Cheers!